Mushy Piece
by HollyHop
Summary: When Lister gets claustrophobic in the ventilation shafts in 'Duct Soup', Kochanski tries to distract him with some made up stuff about how the alternative dimension Lister is gay. Well, actually ... Rimmer/Lister implied.


A/N: Set in the middle of the episode Duct Soup in series 8.

Lister is stuck inside the ventilation shaft with Kochanski and they start talking a bit more about how Lister is definitely NOT GAY (yeah, right). I cut out all the annoying 'Then she said' and 'Then he answered' stuff, because it's gettin' on me pecs. So here's just the dialogue.

[Important: The first seven lines belong to Doug Naylor, the rest comes straight out of my own sick mind]

Disclaimer: The boys are not mine, I just like to play around with them like Barbie and Ken - sorry Ken and Ken.

**Mushy piece**

"Are you sayin' I'm – I'm gay in a alternative dimension?"

"Yes."

"Me?"

"That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks. It was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out. I really miss him. He was great. Sometimes we used go to bed together and he'd just hold me, made me feel everything was okay."

"Really? Well, actually … no, what am I thinkin' of, I am not gay!"

"It's not such a big deal. You don't have to be gay to fall in love with a guy, you know. Sometimes you just fall in love with the person not the gender."

"I'm not in luv with 'im alright!"

"With who?"

"Wha'?"

"You just said you're not in love with him. In love with who?"

"Erm, no one."

"C'mon Dave, when I said you didn't have to be gay to fall in love with a guy, you said you weren't in love with him. I'm not stupid."

"I dunno. It's just that sometimes I wished … urgh, I dunno."

"This is about Rimmer, isn't it? Sometimes you wished what?"

"I can't tell you tha'."

"Why not? We're not going anywhere and there's not much else to do. And besides, if you keep this scrunched up inside of you all the time, it's gonna go mouldy and then poison you."

"I just … whenever 'e got really scared and stuff or whenever the loneliness and the emptiness of space were gettin' on top of me, I just wished we could've held each other and made each other feel everythin' was okay, y'know."

"I always thought you hated him?"

"I did. I do. I mean, I don't know. This is ridiculous. When he left to become Ace, I really thought this was all over, y'know. That I'd never think about him again. But I can't help it. And it's drivin' me mad. I kinda remember everything about 'im now, y'know. The way he used to scrunch up his nose when he was baffled by somethin' or the way he always, always, laid out his clothes for the next day in the evenin's before goin' to bed. The way he rocked forward on his heels when he got somethin' right and was getting' ready to brag about it. I miss tha' too."

"I thought you said he was a total smeghead."

"He is! I mean he cheats at poker, sorts all the stuff in the fridge into food groups and scratched all me rastabilly skank CD's with a screwdriver, afterwards pretendin' 'e 'adn't done it. Once, he put a red shirt in the wash together with me longjohn's behind Kryten's back, turnin' them pink. 'E did tha' 'cos I'd turned up the heat on his washin' the other day, shrinkin' all his suits. 'E 'ad to wear me old shirts and pants for days, until Kryten had made new suits for him."

"Sounds like the two of you really enjoyed making life hell for each other."

"No, it was just a game we played, y'know. It's what we lived for, man. I mean back then I thought how wonderful life would be without 'im, but now I don't think I'd want a life like tha'."

"Did you ever tell him how you felt?"

"No-o. 'course not. 'E'd 'ave flipped."

"So you never told him you had a bit of a thing for him and he never hinted at having any similar feelings for you?"

"No. Well, unless …"

"Unless what."

"Well, you know how I told you about that one time, when Red Dwarf had been triplicated? I kinda ran into the low version of Rimmer on that rotten ship and he was, like, dressed up in all this gear, y'know. Fishnet stockin's, suspenders, tight leather hotpants and stuff. And he said he was goin' to whip me and then …"

"Then what?"

"And then he'd … take me. And that was, like, just Rimmer's dark side, wasn't it? It was part of him, right?"

"I guess … but that does not exactly hint at him having actual feelings for you. I mean, he might have said that to everyone he met."

"True, but … but when I was being controlled by the lows with that spinal implant and I was walking down this corridor, I overheard those higher versions uf us talk. And …"

"What did they talk about?"

"Well, that other me was kinda tellin' Rimmer how much he loved him and Rimmer said that this love was kinda important to him, I guess. Of course that was all purely platonic, since they were these spiritual weirdos, but … it seemed as if it was, like, a regular thing. It wasn't the first time that other Lister'd told him. It wasn't the first time Rimmer'd heard it."

"So, did you ever tell Rimmer about this. I mean afterwards?"

"No. What was I gonna say? Oh, by the way, Rimmer, I thought that low version of you in the suspenders was bit kinky? That would've gone down well."

"He never saw himself in that getup, then?"

"No. No, he didn't."

"And the others never said anything to him about it either. I thought they would've made fun of him endlessly."

"I was the only one who saw 'im like tha'."

"And there were no other moments when you weren't, well, ill, insane, triplicated or posessed when Rimmer might have said something or done something that indicated he had feelings for you?"

"I don't know. Maybe once. I remember that once he complained about me wanting to go back through a stasis leak, to spend the last weeks before the radiation leak with you. He might've said somethin' like 'He'd given me the best years of his death, blabla …' and I told 'im that 'e didn't even like me. 'E asked if that was what I thought, that he didn't like me. Well, I said yes, that was what I thought. And he said that I would be in for a bit of a surprise, but then … then he just said that I was right and he didn't like me. So …"

"Oh Dave, and you believed him?"

"I wasn't exactly in the mood to do a freudian analysis on every word he said back then, y'know."

"Well, he was obviously struggling to tell you something completely different and then chickened out. When was that?"

"I don't know. About … five, six years ago. Just a couple of months after I came out of stasis."

"Six years ago? Are you telling me that six years ago, Rimmer already tried to tell you how he felt about you and you didn't pick up on it? God, men can be incredibly thick sometimes."

"Hey, hey, if he'd 'ave wanted to tell me properly, he'd 'ave 'ad plenty of time."

"Did he ever try again?"

"No. I don't think so. Not really, anyway. I told 'im plenty of times, though. Like when we got stuck on that moon made from Rimmer's subconscious."

"Oh yeah, right, you told me about that one. You only said that you loved him, to get out of the quicksand of his self-hatred."

"Yeah, but Rimmer believed me and … bingo, we got out of there like a flash."

"And that didn't give you a bit of a clue as to his feelings for you? That maybe he was longing for your love? And you just tricked him into thinking you truly loved him and then, after you'd made your escape, you just took it all back again? That must have made him feel terrible. No wonder he never tried to tell you about his feelings ever again."

"Come on, I couldn't do anythin'. It wasn't like I could've said: 'Oh by the way Rimmer, all the other's were just pretendin' but I really luv ya.' I couldna said tha'."

"Well, maybe not in front of the other's, but certainly later on. I mean, what are you still sharing your quarters for, if you can't have a bit of a private talk from time to time."

"It just didn't come up again, alright?"

"Any other chances you missed?"

"Maybe. He went a bit green with jealousy, when Ace first turned up. I guess he thought I fancied him."

"And did you?"

"Come on, Krissie, I mean, hell, he was Rimmer, just … better. Of course I fancied 'im. He was gorgeous, funny, brave and just one hell of a guy."

"Did you and Ace ever …"

"Nah, Ace didn't go in for that. He told me he really liked me and if there was ever a guy he'd go down that road with, it'd be me but … he just wasn't made that way. I mean, basically they'd both come from the same roots, grown into the same treetrunk. But then they just branched off into different directions. I mean, Ace'd had his first french kiss with his cousin Alice – not his uncle Frank."

"Did he think that Arnold would … go down that road."

"He couldn't be absolutely sure of it, but from the way Rimmer was behavin', he thought it was very likely. Y'know, all the comments Rimmer made about me and Ace."

"What comments?"

"Well, you know, how we looked like two models from a gay mag or how Ace and I would want to get into a nice hot soapy bath and play spot the submarine and stuff. I mean, he went into complete jealousy overload."

"That was probably because he knew about his own feelings for you and naturally assumed that Ace would feel the same. He didn't know that Ace was different from him in that respect, too. And when he saw how smitten you were, he got scared that Ace would take you away from him."

"You think?"

"Yes, I do think. How come you didn't?"

"Mwaha, very funny. I dunno - I mean, I kinda got the same impression, but I was way too scared of what might happen, if I told him what I thought was the reason for 'is behaviour. I tried, but I couldn't go through with it."

"That's it, isn't it? That's the reason why the two of us are sitting here now. Squeezed into this ventilation shaft, talking about your feelings for Rimmer. And that's the reason why Rimmer is off adventuring somewhere. Because you were too bloody scared to tell him, that you're bloody well in love with him. Great."

"No, the reason why we're in 'ere, is that the bloody generator's down."

"Don't change the subject."

"I don't see what use it is now, anyway. He's gone and I'll never see 'im again."

"Listen, Dave, we're gonna make a deal. You help me get back to my Dave and we'll help you get Rimmer back, okay?"

"Why d'you want to get back to your Dave, he's gay remember? Oh, wait, 'e isn't, is he? This was all just a load of bollocks, tryin' to make me think about somethin' else besides the claustrophobia, wasn't it? I'm really stupid."

"You're not stupid. After all – now you know how much you truly love Rimmer."


End file.
